Batpig Beyond
by PhoenixFire Lia
Summary: The Caped Crusader returns, with new gadgets, a new villain, and Wizardmon is still dead.


Batpig Beyond

The Caped Crusader Returns

Our story begins in Gotham City, of course. Hey, this is a Batman thing, where do you think I'm gonna be, on Escaflowne? The city is full of crazy kids and digimon, and only the Caped Crusader Batpig can stop the insanity. And the insanity has gotten far worse this time. How bad, you ask? Fox Kids did the unthinkable: collaborated an entire episode of Digimon devoted to Jun, which is now playing on every channel in the city, nonstop. Oh, the horror. 

We find ourselves at Turkey Wall Manor (author's note: the whole Turkey Wall thing is an inside joke between Gomamon 86 and me), where Patamon and his partners reside. As usual, Patamon is throwing darts at his picture of Pikachu, Wizardmon is still dead, and Biyomon is being a cheerful b****. 

"How much ya wanna bet Yama's having a nervous breakdown from the Jun thing?" Patamon asked.

"He's got a girlfriend, I don't think he cares," Biyomon replied. 

"Why haven't I met this girlfriend of his?" 

"Because you're a clueless pig and we all met her after last Saturday's episode. You were flirting with that holiday ham in the grocery store."

"I wasn't flirting with the ham, Lola was flirting with me!"

Suddenly a spotlight goes off. Joe looks out the window and groans.

"Can't they come up with something other than that retarded light to signal you?"

"It's the Batpig Signal! To the Batpigmobile, Dead Wonder!"

Cue the Batpig Theme Song. Patamon and Biyomon had their fireman poles sent out to be waxed, so they can't slide down and change into their costumes. They'll just be Patamon and Biyomon for a little while. 

"So…whaddya think of Willis and his bunnies?" Biyomon asked.

"Stupid bunnies. I'm the only one supposed to be cute, cuddly, and able to fly."

"I'm cute, and cuddly, and Hawkmon, Tentomon, Wizardmon and I can all fly…so what makes you the special one?"

"I'm Batpig, nuff said. Besides, my kid doesn't wear goofy hats."

"Hello? T.K. looks like a refugee off Gilligan's Island, and his brother has a mullet!"

"Matt does not have a mullet!" somebody shouted.

"Who the hell said that?" Patamon asked.

"Wizardmon?" Biyomon suggested.

"No, he's dead. Who was that?"

"Me, the author. Make one more Matt mullet crack and I'll kill you off, or worse."

"What's worse than dying?" Patamon challenged.

"I write a you-Jun hentai fanfic and post it on Fanfiction.net."

"NOOOOOO!"

"Then no more mullet jokes. Just get onto the next scene."

~*~

"Hey Commissioner. What's the dilly-o this time?" Patamon asked morosely. 

"I'll tell you what it isn't: it's not Tai running around as Dr. Evil and claiming Davis is his Mini-Me, it's not Ken having a nervous breakdown because he looks like Joe on crack, has Demidevimon's voice actor, and a lame caterpillar for a digimon, and it's not Gomamon on a Skittles high."

"So what is it, Sora?" Biyomon asked.

"Jun."

"NOOOOOO!"

"It gets worse."

"How much worse?" Patamon and Biyomon asked nervously in unison.

"She found one of Piedmon's white tablecloths."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Oh dear sweet God, that's worse than Willis and his bunny in pants!"

"You better stop her before she does major damage. Good luck," Sora said grimly.

~*~

"Patamon, we better get changed into our costumes if we're gonna fight Jun with a white tablecloth!" Biyomon pointed out.

Wizardmon was still dead. 

"You're right. Aw, dammit all, why does everything happen to me? Why can't Tentomon or somebody less important get picked on?" Patamon whined, grabbing his cape and cowl and heading for the nearest phone booth.

"Okay, so this is Superman's bit. I can deal with it, after all, I'm Batpig."

Patamon opened up the phone booth door, and quickly changed into his costume. Jumping back into the Batpigmobile, he realized something.

"Hey Biyomon?"

"What?"

"Am I wearing this thing backwards, it feels kinda funny."

"That's because you have my costume on, you nitwit."

"Oh."

~*~

After yet another costume change and five minutes of driving with the blinker on, Batpig and Batpig Girl (Wizardmon is still dead) make it to the center of town, where they saw something totally messed.

Keychains were strewn across the street in little heaps. A fire hydrant had been hit by a car, spraying water everywhere. And in the midst of it all, on top of a VW Bug shaped like a Pikachu, Jun stood with her white tablecloth, poised for action. And here's the icky part: she's wearing that nasty orange shirt that hasn't been washed in years. Can somebody get the girl some Bounty or Cheer and haul her to a laundromat? Please? 

Time for the spiffy entrance. Ready? 

"I am the terror that flaps in the night. I am the digimon that digivolves to a spandex-clad half-naked freak bondage angel. I am Batpig!"

"And I'm Batpig Girl," Biyomon sighed. 

"Aren't you the cutest?" Jun squealed. 

"Lady, I'm Batpig. You fear me. Now, ya wanna tell me what the hell you're doing?"

"Humph. I'm getting what's rightfully mine, even if it means destroying the entire city to do so!"

"What's she talking about?" Biyomon muttered. Wizardmon was still dead.

"I found out about Matt's girlfriend! She's nowhere near as cute as I am! I'm going to teach this Lia brat and any other b****…"

"Language! This is supposed to be PG!" the author shouted. 

"Sorry…and any other bimbo that dares to keep me from my Matty! You can't stop me, Batpig!" 

"Holy Piedmon, Batpig! We've gotta warn Matt!" Batpig Girl cried. Too late, guess who's walking his date home right about now? If you said Matt, congratulations, you're our big winner! You've just won a date with Miss Congeniality herself, Jun Motomiya! So here comes Matt, holding hands with his cute girlfriend. (If you want a better sense of this girl, I wrote a romance fic called "The Fires of Passion: Matt's Tale." She's in there, somewhere.)

"Matt, get outta here now! Jun's got one of Piedmon's tablecloths and she's gonna keychain yer girlfriend!" Batpig Girl wailed.

"_That's _Matt's girlfriend? She looks like Yolei, only older, with darker hair and no glasses," Batpig snorted. 

Jun heard them shouting to Matt and jumped off her Pikachu car. 

"I've got you now, Matty. And yer prissy little girlfriend too."

"Do something, Batpig!" Batpig Girl shouted. 

When things can't get any weirder, they do. Two figures jump off a nearby roof and land on the Pikachu car. They were wearing pink camo pants, pink steel-toe boots, pink tank tops, dog tags, black bandanna headband things, and that black gunk football players put under their eyes. 

"Hands, off, floozy!" one of them cried.

"What the?" Matt asked.

"It's Mimi and Yolei…dressed like bonehead versions of Rambo in way too much pink," Lia observed. 

"We're the Anti-Jun Task Force, sworn to protect blond hotties everywhere! Now step away from my Yama!" Mimi hollered. 

"Your Yama?" Lia questioned. 

"Why do all the psychos follow me?" Matt groaned. 

"Never! I'm gonna keychain you and then you'll pay!" Jun shrieked, wielding the tablecloth. A huge catfight between Mimi, Yolei and Jun broke out. Mimi and Yolei were winning, considering they had brass knuckles on. Matt took the opportunity to grab his girlfriend and run like hell. 

"Okay, Dead Wonder, it's time we take care of this mess once and for all!" Batpig shouted. Wizardmon was still dead. 

"I'm ready too, Patamon!" Biyomon cried. 

"Check your utility belts for something we can use!"

"Uh, let's see…Batpig Bubble Wand, Batpig Banana Peel, Batpig Can Opener, Batpig Boxer Shorts, Batpig Mini-Blinds, Batpig Bottle Top, Batpig Pokémon Stun Gun, Batpig Gilligan Hat…"

"Wait, we don't have a Batpig Gilligan Hat," Patamon pointed out.

"Oh, I think it's T.K.'s hat then."

"Why don't we just digivolve and whap her?" Batpig Girl asked.

"Because then it ruins the purpose of Batpig. Gimme the Pokémon Stun Gun, maybe that'll do something." 

So Patamon will now attempt to defeat Jun using a Pokémon Stun Gun. I'm surprised Biyomon didn't have Escaflowne or a poorly animated CGI Dinozaur in her belt as well. Maybe she has Presto's hat from Dungeons and Dragons in it. 

"Batpig Pokémon Stun Gun!" Patamon shouted, hitting Jun over the head with the gun. Why he didn't fire it, I'll never know. Jun was knocked out cold, and the Gotham City Police apprehended her. And with the help of Wizardmon, who's still dead, all the keychains were returned to normal people who now have incredible desires to hold keys and get lost frequently. 

~*~

Sometime later, at Turkey Wall Manor…

"Okay, so what do we do about Willis and his bunnies?"

"I'm more concerned with Matt's girlfriend. I mean, she just kinda showed up and suddenly she's part of the team? And we don't even know who her digimon is!"

"You're lying. Your only concern is that holiday ham!"

"I'm telling you, that was all Lola! The only girl for me is that blueberry muffin in aisle six."

"You're dating a blueberry muffin?!"

"Hey, if Matt can date a nonexistent Digidestined I can date a blueberry muffin, so there!"

"But it's a muffin, you're a bat-pig digimon, it'll never work! The muffin doesn't even have a pulse!"

"But it's got more IQ than Mimi, Yolei, and Jun combined."

"You do have a point there."

~*~

Epilogue

Wizardmon is still dead. The end. 


End file.
